I went house hunting with J&J yesterday. The owner of the house they were renting has decided to sell the house, so they really need to move out.
At the other end of our street, there was a house for rent, so I brought them there. The moment I stood in front of the house and touched the gate, I dunno, but I felt so sad. It felt like I was time-warped somewhere and for a moment it was only me and that house and everything around it seemed blurred. Every step I took away from that house felt heavy. I have been in a few houses that felt like that. No matter how big, airy, or beautiful it usually is,it would feel stuffy and sad. It would always be like the walls are screaming its loneliness to me.
I have read somewhere that we leave psychic imprints in places we go to. Our energies are like thumb marks we leave on walls and stuffs around the place. They are, perhaps, our silent audience, watching what we do, sensing how we feel at any particular moment, hearing what we say, reading our thoughts while we are around them in these places.
We must have looked at 3 different houses but some conditions we're not met, so the search is back to zero once more.
There is one thing I learned from them, allowing other people into your house makes it feel like home. Especially if laughter is doubled, pretense is kept at bay, smug is thrown outside, and false pride is snipped. J&J's rented house feels that way.
As I was walking home last night after a dinner of barbecue and rice in their living room, I realized that allowing people in is like taking off another mask and showing them who you really are. You are at your vulnerable state. They can mock your living conditions if it is not at par with how they live. But this usually happens with pretentious people who would need to compare themselves with you to be able to say they are far more better than you in a lot of ways.
I have learned a lot from this couple. They have the money, they can pay a down for a really nice house, but J always reminds me to aim higher. I have never heard J boast of what her family does for a living. She has never made us feel we should bow down low to some of her family members who have done great in their lives. We both have experienced this with __ and we often talked about it. At one time, I pressed J to tell me her story...Her sister is a pediatrician in NY and her dad and mom belong to the old and rich of this region, chains of apartments and lots of properties. But she has lived simply. She made her first half million from 5K -- from their (J&J) combined school allowance. At present, she earns far more better than some executives from the city. She has a budget every month and adjusts to that and lives within her means. This is not to say they scrimp on stuffs. She gets the best according to their needs. She aims higher on what she gets but she adjusts to her budget. She could choose to ride a car and show off but you would see her haggling in the market to get the best produce at a good price and riding the trike. She only splurges on things she really needs and a little bit on wants--like an 8K concert ticket of her favorite band in the world when they performed in manila and her collection of original CDs w/c is more than 100, but other than that if she wants something more, it is calculated, the risks discussed, and a joint decision is made.
I think that's what self-confidence really is. Real confidence does not scream. It does not explain or find the need to justify its actions to people who do not matter. It chooses its battles. It does not strike back but it strikes back ONLY when necessary. It is able to let go of wants but is able to acknowledge needs. It is able to let go of dead things and useless stuffs. It does not wallow in misery or find the need to lead others out of their misery. It only inspires others to get out of their miserable state without the need to control the other. In this context, it will only inspire others when its own life is lived. It does not demand others to conform to how it lives its life. It lets other be. It does not try to find its worth by looking for an audience to feed its ego because its sense of worth is high and intact. It knows it cannot give what it does not have, so it cannot provide direction when in itself its power is not harnessed to a focused goal. It will always aim higher because it will not feed on selfishness or allow others to feed on selfishness toward themselves too. It is able to let go of masks.
When you are drowned in the opinions of others on how to live your life and you cannot hear your voice within, as my sister always reminds me----only listen to someone whose life is working. Because while some may tell you they are having the grandest times in their lives, it could also be they're screaming their loneliness to you. Positive people attract positive people and misery loves company and there are control freaks in between?
Okay thank you, Ate M, for reminding me.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Saturday, January 1, 2011
HAPPY NEW YEAR LEI
Well ...nuninunu...happy new year to you. Cheer up...it will pass...there is so much to be thankful for =)
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Hic
Oh the weather outside is frightful, But the fire is so delightful, And since we've no place to go, Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow! ...craps there is no snow here. But I got to walk under the clear moonlight today, alone, tipsy with my hands in my pocket. Great night with the lamp posts casting my shadow in front of me as I walked on. That was on great vodka night. Sometimes it makes me wish that I could command that buzz to linger when I have a lot of things in my mind. But heck I have to ingest 56 calories/shot of vodka, one too many, to get that buzz. Happy hour is just too great to resist sometimes.
I passed by Minute Burger on my way home for Chicken Time. Cheap but another great shot that will probably clog my arteries. sucker. While I waited for the burgers to cook, the speakers were blaring with the "Papa Jack" segment on the radio. Craps. A lady called and she was holding on to a man who cheater on her and somehow chose his present fling than her. Craps. Glorious craps. In the middle of that buzz in my head from too much vodka, I remembered I used to be in the same crappy boat. I used to believe there was hope. I used to believe that if Id twist myself enough, he'd come back and it would be swell. Like that effing lady, I used to ask, was it all that easy to forget? I used to think no, he couldn't possibly just throw it all away that fast and that easy--all of 13 years. But he did.
Listening to that lady made my insides scream like hell. STUUUUUUPID!!!!!!!!!!! I wanted to tell her her life is not fuckin' shit all about him. Maybe he loved her, but not enough to stay with her. ENOUGH is the word here. NOT ENOUGH. His love is not enough to fight the odds and stay with you. STupid. But I knew I was in that boat too sometime ago. I couldn't even grasp that point in the past. BUT thank GOD I can see that now.
I had been thinking of this thing for sometime too. It bothers me that my mom would even believe he and I would get back together. Duh? I wanted to tell her, would it have to take a good beating with me ending black and blue for you to get the message that this person was mean to me at some point? I mean I could understand about forgiveness. But should someone like that person be my default just because no one is lined up? Pathetic. An affair is not even simple itself, what more for something more crazy than that? I wonder if they understand that or maybe it's because they have "settled" for what they have at the present time because they are just too scared to be alone and to struggle in that aloneness. But at this point in my life I would rather be alone than be sick with someone else. This man has some wingding-y thing going on and i cant, in any way, solve that. He needs a therapist for that. It made me wonder is that all you can tell your child? About some great love-conquers-all-shit story? Oh just wow.
Anyway, Mama J and I were talking earlier today about after all the pain you've felt lifting those dumbells, you just know you're not going to go back anymore or let small victories just slip you away and go back to your old pathetic self. I have never had a looooong year. 2010 has been a loong year. I have grown in a lot of ways and I sometimes seem to see the past so far away when it was just last year.
DJ Papa Jack was right when he said "it was just not enough."
I passed by Minute Burger on my way home for Chicken Time. Cheap but another great shot that will probably clog my arteries. sucker. While I waited for the burgers to cook, the speakers were blaring with the "Papa Jack" segment on the radio. Craps. A lady called and she was holding on to a man who cheater on her and somehow chose his present fling than her. Craps. Glorious craps. In the middle of that buzz in my head from too much vodka, I remembered I used to be in the same crappy boat. I used to believe there was hope. I used to believe that if Id twist myself enough, he'd come back and it would be swell. Like that effing lady, I used to ask, was it all that easy to forget? I used to think no, he couldn't possibly just throw it all away that fast and that easy--all of 13 years. But he did.
Listening to that lady made my insides scream like hell. STUUUUUUPID!!!!!!!!!!! I wanted to tell her her life is not fuckin' shit all about him. Maybe he loved her, but not enough to stay with her. ENOUGH is the word here. NOT ENOUGH. His love is not enough to fight the odds and stay with you. STupid. But I knew I was in that boat too sometime ago. I couldn't even grasp that point in the past. BUT thank GOD I can see that now.
I had been thinking of this thing for sometime too. It bothers me that my mom would even believe he and I would get back together. Duh? I wanted to tell her, would it have to take a good beating with me ending black and blue for you to get the message that this person was mean to me at some point? I mean I could understand about forgiveness. But should someone like that person be my default just because no one is lined up? Pathetic. An affair is not even simple itself, what more for something more crazy than that? I wonder if they understand that or maybe it's because they have "settled" for what they have at the present time because they are just too scared to be alone and to struggle in that aloneness. But at this point in my life I would rather be alone than be sick with someone else. This man has some wingding-y thing going on and i cant, in any way, solve that. He needs a therapist for that. It made me wonder is that all you can tell your child? About some great love-conquers-all-shit story? Oh just wow.
Anyway, Mama J and I were talking earlier today about after all the pain you've felt lifting those dumbells, you just know you're not going to go back anymore or let small victories just slip you away and go back to your old pathetic self. I have never had a looooong year. 2010 has been a loong year. I have grown in a lot of ways and I sometimes seem to see the past so far away when it was just last year.
DJ Papa Jack was right when he said "it was just not enough."
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
SCREAMS
I wanted to put this at the comment box---"wow what a pig!!!"
but I don't think it's worth that much effort.
It came to a point that I even thought that my neurons are too expensive to even think of you...
Gotta choose on thinking about other things. I guess it's when things are not going too well in my life that I regress to thinking about you. I noticed that when a lot of positive things are happening in my life that I forget.
Tomorrow is another day...
but I don't think it's worth that much effort.
It came to a point that I even thought that my neurons are too expensive to even think of you...
Gotta choose on thinking about other things. I guess it's when things are not going too well in my life that I regress to thinking about you. I noticed that when a lot of positive things are happening in my life that I forget.
Tomorrow is another day...
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Booze for a clear mind
Booze, Booze, my world is booze...wow what a booze!
Three effing nights of booze and a little tighter around the middle. WOW!
The funny thing is...I do not even think that you even deserve to be on my mind. That's the nicest thought that came out in 3 days. Hurrah.
Three effing nights of booze and a little tighter around the middle. WOW!
The funny thing is...I do not even think that you even deserve to be on my mind. That's the nicest thought that came out in 3 days. Hurrah.
Friday, November 19, 2010
“But I miss him.” “So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it. "--Eat, Pray, Love
“What’s got you all wadded up?” he drawls, toothpick in mouth, as usual.
“Don’t ask” I say, but then I start talking and tell him every bit of it, concluding with, “And worst of all, I can’t stop obsessing over David. I thought I was over him, but it’s all coming up again.”
He says, “Give it another six months, you’ll feel better.”
“I’ve already given it twelve months, Richard.”
“Then give it six more. Just keep throwin’ six months at it till it goes away. Stuff like this takes time.”
I exhale hotly though my nose, bull-like.
“Groceries,” Richard says, “listen to me. Someday you’re gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You’ll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing and you were in the best possible place in the world for it – in a beautiful place of worship, surrounded by grace. Take this time, every minute of it. Let things work themselves out here in India.”
“But I really loved him.”
“Big deal. So you fell in love with someone. Don’t you see what happened? This guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching. I mean you got zapped, kiddo. But that love you felt, that’s just the beginning. You just got a taste of love. That’s just limited little rinky-dink mortal love. Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that. Heck, Groceries – you have the capacity to someday love the whole world. It’s your destiny. Don’t laugh.”
“I’m not laughing.” I was actually crying. “And please don’t laugh at me now, but I think the reason it’s so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed David was my soul mate.”
“He probably was. Your problem is you don’t understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can’t let this one go. It’s over, Groceries. David’s purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of your marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it’s over. Problem is, you can’t accept that his relationship had a real short shelf life. You’re like a dog at the dump, baby – you’re just lickin’ at the empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you’re not careful, that can’s gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it.”
“But I love him.”
“So love him.”
“But I miss him.”
“So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it. You’re just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you’ll be really alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she’s really alone. But here’s what you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this guy, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot – a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with the doorway? It will rush in – God will rush in – and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go.”
“But I wish me and David could —“
He cuts me off. “See, now that’s your problem. You’re wishin’ too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be.”
---------------------------------------------
Figures...I'm going through these things again. The missing part. The other day I was weeping my dramas out. The funny part was the visions in my head were switching from S to T to B and at some point all I could feel was the warmth. Maybe that's what I had been missing and not necessarily the whole cow. In hindsight, it's good. It means I have moved on of some sorts. I used to see one face when I would get into these dramas but then now I see SOME more and I can see the differences between them now. At one point, I couldn't see which face...=) So at times it would just be a man riding his white horse without a face. Well that's BETTER, don't you think? But I don't think they'd be riding their white horses anytime soon...well at least not in my imagination...not anymore.
----------------------------------------------
I met with M and A at Oyster Boy last night. I had a good time catching up with them. I had been enjoying booze since Monday and I'm looking for more...wow bad, bad, bad. Anyways...
----------------------------------------------
I will be catching up with the girls and then off to see my sister. Byee =)
“Don’t ask” I say, but then I start talking and tell him every bit of it, concluding with, “And worst of all, I can’t stop obsessing over David. I thought I was over him, but it’s all coming up again.”
He says, “Give it another six months, you’ll feel better.”
“I’ve already given it twelve months, Richard.”
“Then give it six more. Just keep throwin’ six months at it till it goes away. Stuff like this takes time.”
I exhale hotly though my nose, bull-like.
“Groceries,” Richard says, “listen to me. Someday you’re gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You’ll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing and you were in the best possible place in the world for it – in a beautiful place of worship, surrounded by grace. Take this time, every minute of it. Let things work themselves out here in India.”
“But I really loved him.”
“Big deal. So you fell in love with someone. Don’t you see what happened? This guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching. I mean you got zapped, kiddo. But that love you felt, that’s just the beginning. You just got a taste of love. That’s just limited little rinky-dink mortal love. Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that. Heck, Groceries – you have the capacity to someday love the whole world. It’s your destiny. Don’t laugh.”
“I’m not laughing.” I was actually crying. “And please don’t laugh at me now, but I think the reason it’s so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed David was my soul mate.”
“He probably was. Your problem is you don’t understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can’t let this one go. It’s over, Groceries. David’s purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of your marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it’s over. Problem is, you can’t accept that his relationship had a real short shelf life. You’re like a dog at the dump, baby – you’re just lickin’ at the empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you’re not careful, that can’s gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it.”
“But I love him.”
“So love him.”
“But I miss him.”
“So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it. You’re just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you’ll be really alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she’s really alone. But here’s what you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this guy, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot – a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with the doorway? It will rush in – God will rush in – and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go.”
“But I wish me and David could —“
He cuts me off. “See, now that’s your problem. You’re wishin’ too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be.”
---------------------------------------------
Figures...I'm going through these things again. The missing part. The other day I was weeping my dramas out. The funny part was the visions in my head were switching from S to T to B and at some point all I could feel was the warmth. Maybe that's what I had been missing and not necessarily the whole cow. In hindsight, it's good. It means I have moved on of some sorts. I used to see one face when I would get into these dramas but then now I see SOME more and I can see the differences between them now. At one point, I couldn't see which face...=) So at times it would just be a man riding his white horse without a face. Well that's BETTER, don't you think? But I don't think they'd be riding their white horses anytime soon...well at least not in my imagination...not anymore.
----------------------------------------------
I met with M and A at Oyster Boy last night. I had a good time catching up with them. I had been enjoying booze since Monday and I'm looking for more...wow bad, bad, bad. Anyways...
----------------------------------------------
I will be catching up with the girls and then off to see my sister. Byee =)
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Walking with a Happy and Clear Mind
After a big spat with Mom about some crazy things, I met with my sister. It felt so good to be with her. We had buffet...laughed...and just had some silly time in the mall. I realized I missed that side of her. We used to do that before she had her eldest child. I admire her strength now, her confidence, the way she works, the way she ain't dependent much on others to say her worth. Well, she ain't perfect too, but she is way okay now and inspiring. She lost some weight from running and going to the gym on her free time. The results are evident. She looks just in her late 20s. Aside from the advice she gave to me about my work and love life, one good thing she imparted to me yesterday---you can grow old beautifully--it's your choice.
While of course you cannot stop the forces of nature from taking its course, there are things you can do to grow old gracefully. Despite of all the trials that came her way with her marriage, she is thankful that Kuya R has kept her on her toes. She has viewed all the hardships as a way to only get better in her life and Im proud how she has handled that through the years.
Then I spent some time with J and her family. It was fun drinking with an all funny-girl group. I did not get drunk though but I had so much fun! I slept beside her and her mom. It has been ages since I slept over their place and it was fun. I woke up really early and woke her up as well. We headed to U.P. They introduced Rodic's tapa to me---real yum and we spent some time at the sunken garden.
It felt too good to be one with nature again. I realized how I missed that and for a moment I said a prayer of thanks. There's just too much to be thankful for. Happiness is a state of mind. You could have broken your heart just last week, you could have had a nerve-wracking spat with someone you love, but the bed news is you can choose to be happy NOW. My friend said, it's all about acceptance. I came across this the other day
Then I visited my cousin and her family and my friend. I had a great time with ultra positive people.
I went home with a clear head. It felt like I was so present at every moment along the way. It felt really good.
This morning I felt giddy within. It's like my head was gonna burst with all things happy---the sunshine, the raindrops, my cats, my facebook page...thank you Lord for the day. One more day to do it right. =)
While of course you cannot stop the forces of nature from taking its course, there are things you can do to grow old gracefully. Despite of all the trials that came her way with her marriage, she is thankful that Kuya R has kept her on her toes. She has viewed all the hardships as a way to only get better in her life and Im proud how she has handled that through the years.
Then I spent some time with J and her family. It was fun drinking with an all funny-girl group. I did not get drunk though but I had so much fun! I slept beside her and her mom. It has been ages since I slept over their place and it was fun. I woke up really early and woke her up as well. We headed to U.P. They introduced Rodic's tapa to me---real yum and we spent some time at the sunken garden.
It felt too good to be one with nature again. I realized how I missed that and for a moment I said a prayer of thanks. There's just too much to be thankful for. Happiness is a state of mind. You could have broken your heart just last week, you could have had a nerve-wracking spat with someone you love, but the bed news is you can choose to be happy NOW. My friend said, it's all about acceptance. I came across this the other day
There is no fear in the NOW. When you are focused in the present there is no fear or regret. Regret comes from thinking of the past, while fear comes from thinking of the future. So it is in enjoying the moment now that we can find true happiness---JIM PAREDES
Then I visited my cousin and her family and my friend. I had a great time with ultra positive people.
I went home with a clear head. It felt like I was so present at every moment along the way. It felt really good.
This morning I felt giddy within. It's like my head was gonna burst with all things happy---the sunshine, the raindrops, my cats, my facebook page...thank you Lord for the day. One more day to do it right. =)
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