SCREAMS

I wanted to put this at the comment box---"wow what a pig!!!"

but I don't think it's worth that much effort.

It came to a point that I even thought that my neurons are too expensive to even think of you...

Gotta choose on thinking about other things. I guess it's when things are not going too well in my life that I regress to thinking about you. I noticed that when a lot of positive things are happening in my life that I forget.

Tomorrow is another day...

Booze for a clear mind

Booze, Booze, my world is booze...wow what a booze!

Three effing nights of booze and a little tighter around the middle. WOW!

The funny thing is...I do not even think that you even deserve to be on my mind. That's the nicest thought that came out in 3 days. Hurrah.

“But I miss him.” “So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it. "--Eat, Pray, Love

“What’s got you all wadded up?” he drawls, toothpick in mouth, as usual.

“Don’t ask” I say, but then I start talking and tell him every bit of it, concluding with, “And worst of all, I can’t stop obsessing over David. I thought I was over him, but it’s all coming up again.”

He says, “Give it another six months, you’ll feel better.”

“I’ve already given it twelve months, Richard.”

“Then give it six more. Just keep throwin’ six months at it till it goes away. Stuff like this takes time.”

I exhale hotly though my nose, bull-like.

“Groceries,” Richard says, “listen to me. Someday you’re gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You’ll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing and you were in the best possible place in the world for it – in a beautiful place of worship, surrounded by grace. Take this time, every minute of it. Let things work themselves out here in India.”

“But I really loved him.”

“Big deal. So you fell in love with someone. Don’t you see what happened? This guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching. I mean you got zapped, kiddo. But that love you felt, that’s just the beginning. You just got a taste of love. That’s just limited little rinky-dink mortal love. Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that. Heck, Groceries – you have the capacity to someday love the whole world. It’s your destiny. Don’t laugh.”

“I’m not laughing.” I was actually crying. “And please don’t laugh at me now, but I think the reason it’s so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed David was my soul mate.”

“He probably was. Your problem is you don’t understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can’t let this one go. It’s over, Groceries. David’s purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of your marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it’s over. Problem is, you can’t accept that his relationship had a real short shelf life. You’re like a dog at the dump, baby – you’re just lickin’ at the empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you’re not careful, that can’s gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it.”

“But I love him.”

“So love him.”

“But I miss him.”

“So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it. You’re just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you’ll be really alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she’s really alone. But here’s what you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this guy, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot – a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with the doorway? It will rush in – God will rush in – and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go.”

“But I wish me and David could —“

He cuts me off. “See, now that’s your problem. You’re wishin’ too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be.”


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Figures...I'm going through these things again. The missing part. The other day I was weeping my dramas out. The funny part was the visions in my head were switching from S to T to B and at some point all I could feel was the warmth. Maybe that's what I had been missing and not necessarily the whole cow. In hindsight, it's good. It means I have moved on of some sorts. I used to see one face when I would get into these dramas but then now I see SOME more and I can see the differences between them now. At one point, I couldn't see which face...=) So at times it would just be a man riding his white horse without a face. Well that's BETTER, don't you think? But I don't think they'd be riding their white horses anytime soon...well at least not in my imagination...not anymore.

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I met with M and A at Oyster Boy last night. I had a good time catching up with them. I had been enjoying booze since Monday and I'm looking for more...wow bad, bad, bad. Anyways...

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I will be catching up with the girls and then off to see my sister. Byee =)

Walking with a Happy and Clear Mind

After a big spat with Mom about some crazy things, I met with my sister. It felt so good to be with her. We had buffet...laughed...and just had some silly time in the mall. I realized I missed that side of her. We used to do that before she had her eldest child. I admire her strength now, her confidence, the way she works, the way she ain't dependent much on others to say her worth. Well, she ain't perfect too, but she is way okay now and inspiring. She lost some weight from running and going to the gym on her free time. The results are evident. She looks just in her late 20s. Aside from the advice she gave to me about my work and love life, one good thing she imparted to me yesterday---you can grow old beautifully--it's your choice.

While of course you cannot stop the forces of nature from taking its course, there are things you can do to grow old gracefully. Despite of all the trials that came her way with her marriage, she is thankful that Kuya R has kept her on her toes. She has viewed all the hardships as a way to only get better in her life and Im proud how she has handled that through the years.

Then I spent some time with J and her family. It was fun drinking with an all funny-girl group. I did not get drunk though but I had so much fun! I slept beside her and her mom. It has been ages since I slept over their place and it was fun. I woke up really early and woke her up as well. We headed to U.P. They introduced Rodic's tapa to me---real yum and we spent some time at the sunken garden.




It felt too good to be one with nature again. I realized how I missed that and for a moment I said a prayer of thanks. There's just too much to be thankful for. Happiness is a state of mind. You could have broken your heart just last week, you could have had a nerve-wracking spat with someone you love, but the bed news is you can choose to be happy NOW. My friend said, it's all about acceptance. I came across this the other day

There is no fear in the NOW. When you are focused in the present there is no fear or regret. Regret comes from thinking of the past, while fear comes from thinking of the future. So it is in enjoying the moment now that we can find true happiness

---JIM PAREDES





Then I visited my cousin and her family and my friend. I had a great time with ultra positive people.


I went home with a clear head. It felt like I was so present at every moment along the way. It felt really good.

This morning I felt giddy within. It's like my head was gonna burst with all things happy---the sunshine, the raindrops, my cats, my facebook page...thank you Lord for the day. One more day to do it right. =)

Flashbacks

He wrote again. But I held my ground. I just thought that there is no point answering back or even telling him oh boy what a jerk you are. I broke down at one point and cried in the john. But hey we all learn a thing or two from all we meet in life and for making me smile at one point...thank you.

I was thinking about tonight, maybe some things happen for us to redeem ourselves of some sorts. Master the lessons. Somehow it felt I was going through the past again--the major one with T where I begged, pleaded, and was desperate. But this time, in a smaller scale, I held back, I stood my ground, and before thinking of how he'd fare through it, I asked myself first. I hugged myself first not because of pity but because I was putting myself first. Somehow it felt good. I wanted to say HIS LOSS. But then again, it's more apt to say, it's just not meant to be.

In the afternoon I rushed to Mama J. She was having one of her damn attacks that made me fly from my place to her (well in a tricycle of course =). I was so scared because I knew nothing about administering IM's and she needed one fast. I was praying all the way. And there she was slumped in one corner with her hands so cold, crying and in so much pain. I cried and held her. She said Papa J was coming home to inject the med. I just held her. For a time, I realized the time I held back from allowing some people in my life but then and there I knew I she's in. I felt relieved when Papa J got in and gave her the med. They thanked me but honestly I'm thankful for that made me feel alive. It made me snap out from the sadness I was feeling in the morning. I realized I am not bad at all and I am capable of caring and loving. When I was almost doubting myself, it made me see I have a lot to give that is so uniquely from me alone.

While she calmed down, we watched Sassy Girl. I remembered how I was then. I missed my spunk. I realized I had given most of my power away. I used to be so independent and then I started begging for love, for recognition, for acceptance from all the wrong people. I sold myself so low that I started looking down. That was a real eyeopener.

All in all what a blessed day!

Elizabeth Girlbert--Eat, Pray, Love

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

LEARN! LEARN! LEARN!

I just think I have to compile these statements--They comes from different forums.



it doesn't seem that this guy wants a relationship with you - and I am assuming that you do.

Have a think about what you want and deserve. You deserve to be in a relationship with a man who gives you 100% loyalty and commitment.

From what you have shared, it sounds like you might be assuming because he is coming to see you that it is a relationship, he might just think of it as a date, or something to do. If you are the one doing the initiating, there is a problem.

No, it doesn't take a lot to text to ask how one is doing. e's not making even that tiny bit of effort. And so, you should refrain from getting attached to him or thinking it's a relationship.

Nothing wrong with keeping in contact as long as he is the one doing the contacting and not you doing all the work.

You ask why you guys shouldn't keep in contact. My question is "Why should you keep in contact?" And to note Wings' point - if you do keep in contact, why should it be you that's always initiating and doing the work?

If he is not that in to you...next!!

Try not to give all of your heart to someone until you know you have all of his and you will know. :) Go easy on yourself.

Do you like him so much that even this giant obstacle isn't enough to allow you to walk away in search of someone who can offer what he can offer but much more frequently? (If yes, state reasons.)

A: I would text him to ask how he is but i feel like i am intruding and it's only been yesterday since he last texted...

Q: Do not. No matter what distance geographically, it's always the man's role in this stage to do the chasing/initiating.

I think you both went into this without thinking. You responded only to your emotional arousal. With the 'froth' blown from the top, then is when you both had room to think, 'What are we doing and why?'

But that's only the conclusion at THIS POINT. If you want the situation to remain crystal-clear judgeable from here on in - DO NOT INITIATE *AT ALL*. Then we'll be able to see what's What more precisely.

don't dream of "having him rescue you from your life." It is highly likely that he won't! And even if he does, then he will control you.

If you feel ignored now, it probably won't change much. He will continue to ignore you even after you are together in his country. His priorities (even if it isn't work) will always come first...not you. If you are ok with this treatment, then get ready for a sad life alone.

be careful about how much you can trust this guy. Whatever you do...don't fall in love with him...you have find out more about him. Ask about his family, his life in his country, etc. Without that you have nothing.

Do ask questions - and lots of 'em all about his life, work and family in the other country. And don't embark on any international journey with him until you know a lot more about him! Worse case scenario, for all you know about him

whatever the reasons, this is not working for you and I would suggest for your own sanity to not expect *anything* from him at this point. We can make ourselves crazy trying to change a person, trying to get them to think the way we do. I know you would handle things much differently regarding a courtesy email or text...But he is *he* and this is not how *he* handles things from what you are saying. We can make excuses till the cows come home, but it is what it is and as sad as that may be for you (and I am sorry about that), please try to accept things for what they are. Don't drive yourself crazy over this. Open yourself up to new possibilities and make sure you get from a man what you deserve...time and respect. :)

I really would not worry at all as to what he's thinking or feeling....just switch off the button in your head and get on with your life.....if he is really interested, he will get in touch. In the meantime, if you can...get out there, have some dates, meet some new people and keep gaining experience all the time.

Craps Not Again?

Groan! Not again! Craps!

I had been in something like this in the past. One minute I'm flying so high, giggly and giddy and the next thing I know I'm experiencing this sinking feeling again. The good news it, it's not of the quick-sand type anymore. It's like I'm falling through the rain forest (well perhaps)where countless trees or shrubs are breaking my fall one time or another...cuts..ouch..bruises...ouch. Oh God let me rest on the soft moss or a shallow ditch at the end.

It was a good 1 month anyway. It made me smile. It made me feel I mattered. It made me feel I was visible again well to someone in another way. At least someone heard my stories or the crap parts of it and thought of them cute. The difference is this has made me aware of my insecurities. That part w/c tells me I still have A LOT to work on BEFORE I should even be in something like this. That part w/c tells me I should be WHOLE before I even become half of this. That part w/c tells me I will walk beside someone in this, not cling and not ask that someone to carry me. That part in w/c I say first I matter that's why I'm choosing to be with you. THat part w/c says whether you see me or not, it does not matter but what matters is I am visible in my world. That part w/c tells me I'm not gonna put you on a pedestal in my life. That part w/c says whether there is someone or not beside me, I'm alive and it's okay.

I realized that when I entered relationships, I was always looking through the spectacles of FOREVER. While, of course, you don't just choose crap to be with anyone, the point is each and every relationship will teach you something. I realized I was shopping for a husband instead of a BF. I was fretting on things that weren't screaming of FOREVER. I would grip on things that were. I was forgetting to enjoy the now because I was so busy thinking of the white picket fences, the morning after forever, that veil, the flowers, the champagne, the pitter-patter of feet around the future house...darn..yeah I know I'm crazy. I realized I was investing too much to soon. I was not even allowing the relationship unfold and show me its substance before I build those castles in the air.

Oh well, TELL me THIS IS THE TIME TO LEARN. TELL ME this is the time I must have faith that whatever happens, my world will not fall apart. This is the time I believe that God is the pilot and I'm co-pilot. This is the part where I believe that however I grip on things, if it's not meant for me, it will die a natural death. This is where I believe that saying NEXT means the next one will teach me that w/c I haven't learned YET. That every time I'd say NOT AGAIN---it only means I haven't learned that w/c I'm supposed to learn that's why I'm in a similar situation again. This is the part I work on myself, my dreams, my aspirations and when the time is right, more gifts will come my way and who knows, it might hold that someone who's meant to walk beside me. And if he doesn't come I should be thankful I lived and loved.

To you, thank you for the time. But from here on, I'm learning to play the game and I'll only get better at it. Good Luck!

I wish

I wish there is an easier way to ensure you won't break my heart. But I know this is wishful thinking. A moth risks getting burned in satisfying its curiosity with the light. I might get burned in the process, I know. I can only hope. But one thing I want to remember is I am responsible for my actions and my feelings.