Hic

Oh the weather outside is frightful, But the fire is so delightful, And since we've no place to go, Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow! ...craps there is no snow here. But I got to walk under the clear moonlight today, alone, tipsy with my hands in my pocket. Great night with the lamp posts casting my shadow in front of me as I walked on. That was on great vodka night. Sometimes it makes me wish that I could command that buzz to linger when I have a lot of things in my mind. But heck I have to ingest 56 calories/shot of vodka, one too many, to get that buzz. Happy hour is just too great to resist sometimes.

I passed by Minute Burger on my way home for Chicken Time. Cheap but another great shot that will probably clog my arteries. sucker. While I waited for the burgers to cook, the speakers were blaring with the "Papa Jack" segment on the radio. Craps. A lady called and she was holding on to a man who cheater on her and somehow chose his present fling than her. Craps. Glorious craps. In the middle of that buzz in my head from too much vodka, I remembered I used to be in the same crappy boat. I used to believe there was hope. I used to believe that if Id twist myself enough, he'd come back and it would be swell. Like that effing lady, I used to ask, was it all that easy to forget? I used to think no, he couldn't possibly just throw it all away that fast and that easy--all of 13 years. But he did.

Listening to that lady made my insides scream like hell. STUUUUUUPID!!!!!!!!!!! I wanted to tell her her life is not fuckin' shit all about him. Maybe he loved her, but not enough to stay with her. ENOUGH is the word here. NOT ENOUGH. His love is not enough to fight the odds and stay with you. STupid. But I knew I was in that boat too sometime ago. I couldn't even grasp that point in the past. BUT thank GOD I can see that now.

I had been thinking of this thing for sometime too. It bothers me that my mom would even believe he and I would get back together. Duh? I wanted to tell her, would it have to take a good beating with me ending black and blue for you to get the message that this person was mean to me at some point? I mean I could understand about forgiveness. But should someone like that person be my default just because no one is lined up? Pathetic. An affair is not even simple itself, what more for something more crazy than that? I wonder if they understand that or maybe it's because they have "settled" for what they have at the present time because they are just too scared to be alone and to struggle in that aloneness. But at this point in my life I would rather be alone than be sick with someone else. This man has some wingding-y thing going on and i cant, in any way, solve that. He needs a therapist for that. It made me wonder is that all you can tell your child? About some great love-conquers-all-shit story? Oh just wow.

Anyway, Mama J and I were talking earlier today about after all the pain you've felt lifting those dumbells, you just know you're not going to go back anymore or let small victories just slip you away and go back to your old pathetic self. I have never had a looooong year. 2010 has been a loong year. I have grown in a lot of ways and I sometimes seem to see the past so far away when it was just last year.

DJ Papa Jack was right when he said "it was just not enough."

SCREAMS

I wanted to put this at the comment box---"wow what a pig!!!"

but I don't think it's worth that much effort.

It came to a point that I even thought that my neurons are too expensive to even think of you...

Gotta choose on thinking about other things. I guess it's when things are not going too well in my life that I regress to thinking about you. I noticed that when a lot of positive things are happening in my life that I forget.

Tomorrow is another day...

Booze for a clear mind

Booze, Booze, my world is booze...wow what a booze!

Three effing nights of booze and a little tighter around the middle. WOW!

The funny thing is...I do not even think that you even deserve to be on my mind. That's the nicest thought that came out in 3 days. Hurrah.

“But I miss him.” “So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it. "--Eat, Pray, Love

“What’s got you all wadded up?” he drawls, toothpick in mouth, as usual.

“Don’t ask” I say, but then I start talking and tell him every bit of it, concluding with, “And worst of all, I can’t stop obsessing over David. I thought I was over him, but it’s all coming up again.”

He says, “Give it another six months, you’ll feel better.”

“I’ve already given it twelve months, Richard.”

“Then give it six more. Just keep throwin’ six months at it till it goes away. Stuff like this takes time.”

I exhale hotly though my nose, bull-like.

“Groceries,” Richard says, “listen to me. Someday you’re gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You’ll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing and you were in the best possible place in the world for it – in a beautiful place of worship, surrounded by grace. Take this time, every minute of it. Let things work themselves out here in India.”

“But I really loved him.”

“Big deal. So you fell in love with someone. Don’t you see what happened? This guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching. I mean you got zapped, kiddo. But that love you felt, that’s just the beginning. You just got a taste of love. That’s just limited little rinky-dink mortal love. Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that. Heck, Groceries – you have the capacity to someday love the whole world. It’s your destiny. Don’t laugh.”

“I’m not laughing.” I was actually crying. “And please don’t laugh at me now, but I think the reason it’s so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed David was my soul mate.”

“He probably was. Your problem is you don’t understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can’t let this one go. It’s over, Groceries. David’s purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of your marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it’s over. Problem is, you can’t accept that his relationship had a real short shelf life. You’re like a dog at the dump, baby – you’re just lickin’ at the empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you’re not careful, that can’s gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it.”

“But I love him.”

“So love him.”

“But I miss him.”

“So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it. You’re just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you’ll be really alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she’s really alone. But here’s what you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this guy, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot – a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with the doorway? It will rush in – God will rush in – and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go.”

“But I wish me and David could —“

He cuts me off. “See, now that’s your problem. You’re wishin’ too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be.”


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Figures...I'm going through these things again. The missing part. The other day I was weeping my dramas out. The funny part was the visions in my head were switching from S to T to B and at some point all I could feel was the warmth. Maybe that's what I had been missing and not necessarily the whole cow. In hindsight, it's good. It means I have moved on of some sorts. I used to see one face when I would get into these dramas but then now I see SOME more and I can see the differences between them now. At one point, I couldn't see which face...=) So at times it would just be a man riding his white horse without a face. Well that's BETTER, don't you think? But I don't think they'd be riding their white horses anytime soon...well at least not in my imagination...not anymore.

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I met with M and A at Oyster Boy last night. I had a good time catching up with them. I had been enjoying booze since Monday and I'm looking for more...wow bad, bad, bad. Anyways...

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I will be catching up with the girls and then off to see my sister. Byee =)

Walking with a Happy and Clear Mind

After a big spat with Mom about some crazy things, I met with my sister. It felt so good to be with her. We had buffet...laughed...and just had some silly time in the mall. I realized I missed that side of her. We used to do that before she had her eldest child. I admire her strength now, her confidence, the way she works, the way she ain't dependent much on others to say her worth. Well, she ain't perfect too, but she is way okay now and inspiring. She lost some weight from running and going to the gym on her free time. The results are evident. She looks just in her late 20s. Aside from the advice she gave to me about my work and love life, one good thing she imparted to me yesterday---you can grow old beautifully--it's your choice.

While of course you cannot stop the forces of nature from taking its course, there are things you can do to grow old gracefully. Despite of all the trials that came her way with her marriage, she is thankful that Kuya R has kept her on her toes. She has viewed all the hardships as a way to only get better in her life and Im proud how she has handled that through the years.

Then I spent some time with J and her family. It was fun drinking with an all funny-girl group. I did not get drunk though but I had so much fun! I slept beside her and her mom. It has been ages since I slept over their place and it was fun. I woke up really early and woke her up as well. We headed to U.P. They introduced Rodic's tapa to me---real yum and we spent some time at the sunken garden.




It felt too good to be one with nature again. I realized how I missed that and for a moment I said a prayer of thanks. There's just too much to be thankful for. Happiness is a state of mind. You could have broken your heart just last week, you could have had a nerve-wracking spat with someone you love, but the bed news is you can choose to be happy NOW. My friend said, it's all about acceptance. I came across this the other day

There is no fear in the NOW. When you are focused in the present there is no fear or regret. Regret comes from thinking of the past, while fear comes from thinking of the future. So it is in enjoying the moment now that we can find true happiness

---JIM PAREDES





Then I visited my cousin and her family and my friend. I had a great time with ultra positive people.


I went home with a clear head. It felt like I was so present at every moment along the way. It felt really good.

This morning I felt giddy within. It's like my head was gonna burst with all things happy---the sunshine, the raindrops, my cats, my facebook page...thank you Lord for the day. One more day to do it right. =)

Flashbacks

He wrote again. But I held my ground. I just thought that there is no point answering back or even telling him oh boy what a jerk you are. I broke down at one point and cried in the john. But hey we all learn a thing or two from all we meet in life and for making me smile at one point...thank you.

I was thinking about tonight, maybe some things happen for us to redeem ourselves of some sorts. Master the lessons. Somehow it felt I was going through the past again--the major one with T where I begged, pleaded, and was desperate. But this time, in a smaller scale, I held back, I stood my ground, and before thinking of how he'd fare through it, I asked myself first. I hugged myself first not because of pity but because I was putting myself first. Somehow it felt good. I wanted to say HIS LOSS. But then again, it's more apt to say, it's just not meant to be.

In the afternoon I rushed to Mama J. She was having one of her damn attacks that made me fly from my place to her (well in a tricycle of course =). I was so scared because I knew nothing about administering IM's and she needed one fast. I was praying all the way. And there she was slumped in one corner with her hands so cold, crying and in so much pain. I cried and held her. She said Papa J was coming home to inject the med. I just held her. For a time, I realized the time I held back from allowing some people in my life but then and there I knew I she's in. I felt relieved when Papa J got in and gave her the med. They thanked me but honestly I'm thankful for that made me feel alive. It made me snap out from the sadness I was feeling in the morning. I realized I am not bad at all and I am capable of caring and loving. When I was almost doubting myself, it made me see I have a lot to give that is so uniquely from me alone.

While she calmed down, we watched Sassy Girl. I remembered how I was then. I missed my spunk. I realized I had given most of my power away. I used to be so independent and then I started begging for love, for recognition, for acceptance from all the wrong people. I sold myself so low that I started looking down. That was a real eyeopener.

All in all what a blessed day!

Elizabeth Girlbert--Eat, Pray, Love

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

LEARN! LEARN! LEARN!

I just think I have to compile these statements--They comes from different forums.



it doesn't seem that this guy wants a relationship with you - and I am assuming that you do.

Have a think about what you want and deserve. You deserve to be in a relationship with a man who gives you 100% loyalty and commitment.

From what you have shared, it sounds like you might be assuming because he is coming to see you that it is a relationship, he might just think of it as a date, or something to do. If you are the one doing the initiating, there is a problem.

No, it doesn't take a lot to text to ask how one is doing. e's not making even that tiny bit of effort. And so, you should refrain from getting attached to him or thinking it's a relationship.

Nothing wrong with keeping in contact as long as he is the one doing the contacting and not you doing all the work.

You ask why you guys shouldn't keep in contact. My question is "Why should you keep in contact?" And to note Wings' point - if you do keep in contact, why should it be you that's always initiating and doing the work?

If he is not that in to you...next!!

Try not to give all of your heart to someone until you know you have all of his and you will know. :) Go easy on yourself.

Do you like him so much that even this giant obstacle isn't enough to allow you to walk away in search of someone who can offer what he can offer but much more frequently? (If yes, state reasons.)

A: I would text him to ask how he is but i feel like i am intruding and it's only been yesterday since he last texted...

Q: Do not. No matter what distance geographically, it's always the man's role in this stage to do the chasing/initiating.

I think you both went into this without thinking. You responded only to your emotional arousal. With the 'froth' blown from the top, then is when you both had room to think, 'What are we doing and why?'

But that's only the conclusion at THIS POINT. If you want the situation to remain crystal-clear judgeable from here on in - DO NOT INITIATE *AT ALL*. Then we'll be able to see what's What more precisely.

don't dream of "having him rescue you from your life." It is highly likely that he won't! And even if he does, then he will control you.

If you feel ignored now, it probably won't change much. He will continue to ignore you even after you are together in his country. His priorities (even if it isn't work) will always come first...not you. If you are ok with this treatment, then get ready for a sad life alone.

be careful about how much you can trust this guy. Whatever you do...don't fall in love with him...you have find out more about him. Ask about his family, his life in his country, etc. Without that you have nothing.

Do ask questions - and lots of 'em all about his life, work and family in the other country. And don't embark on any international journey with him until you know a lot more about him! Worse case scenario, for all you know about him

whatever the reasons, this is not working for you and I would suggest for your own sanity to not expect *anything* from him at this point. We can make ourselves crazy trying to change a person, trying to get them to think the way we do. I know you would handle things much differently regarding a courtesy email or text...But he is *he* and this is not how *he* handles things from what you are saying. We can make excuses till the cows come home, but it is what it is and as sad as that may be for you (and I am sorry about that), please try to accept things for what they are. Don't drive yourself crazy over this. Open yourself up to new possibilities and make sure you get from a man what you deserve...time and respect. :)

I really would not worry at all as to what he's thinking or feeling....just switch off the button in your head and get on with your life.....if he is really interested, he will get in touch. In the meantime, if you can...get out there, have some dates, meet some new people and keep gaining experience all the time.

Craps Not Again?

Groan! Not again! Craps!

I had been in something like this in the past. One minute I'm flying so high, giggly and giddy and the next thing I know I'm experiencing this sinking feeling again. The good news it, it's not of the quick-sand type anymore. It's like I'm falling through the rain forest (well perhaps)where countless trees or shrubs are breaking my fall one time or another...cuts..ouch..bruises...ouch. Oh God let me rest on the soft moss or a shallow ditch at the end.

It was a good 1 month anyway. It made me smile. It made me feel I mattered. It made me feel I was visible again well to someone in another way. At least someone heard my stories or the crap parts of it and thought of them cute. The difference is this has made me aware of my insecurities. That part w/c tells me I still have A LOT to work on BEFORE I should even be in something like this. That part w/c tells me I should be WHOLE before I even become half of this. That part w/c tells me I will walk beside someone in this, not cling and not ask that someone to carry me. That part in w/c I say first I matter that's why I'm choosing to be with you. THat part w/c says whether you see me or not, it does not matter but what matters is I am visible in my world. That part w/c tells me I'm not gonna put you on a pedestal in my life. That part w/c says whether there is someone or not beside me, I'm alive and it's okay.

I realized that when I entered relationships, I was always looking through the spectacles of FOREVER. While, of course, you don't just choose crap to be with anyone, the point is each and every relationship will teach you something. I realized I was shopping for a husband instead of a BF. I was fretting on things that weren't screaming of FOREVER. I would grip on things that were. I was forgetting to enjoy the now because I was so busy thinking of the white picket fences, the morning after forever, that veil, the flowers, the champagne, the pitter-patter of feet around the future house...darn..yeah I know I'm crazy. I realized I was investing too much to soon. I was not even allowing the relationship unfold and show me its substance before I build those castles in the air.

Oh well, TELL me THIS IS THE TIME TO LEARN. TELL ME this is the time I must have faith that whatever happens, my world will not fall apart. This is the time I believe that God is the pilot and I'm co-pilot. This is the part where I believe that however I grip on things, if it's not meant for me, it will die a natural death. This is where I believe that saying NEXT means the next one will teach me that w/c I haven't learned YET. That every time I'd say NOT AGAIN---it only means I haven't learned that w/c I'm supposed to learn that's why I'm in a similar situation again. This is the part I work on myself, my dreams, my aspirations and when the time is right, more gifts will come my way and who knows, it might hold that someone who's meant to walk beside me. And if he doesn't come I should be thankful I lived and loved.

To you, thank you for the time. But from here on, I'm learning to play the game and I'll only get better at it. Good Luck!

I wish

I wish there is an easier way to ensure you won't break my heart. But I know this is wishful thinking. A moth risks getting burned in satisfying its curiosity with the light. I might get burned in the process, I know. I can only hope. But one thing I want to remember is I am responsible for my actions and my feelings.

moving forward

How do you reconcile moving on and holding on to your anger? The answer is simply you can't. You can't be angry and expect you can move on forward. You will only go back, again and again, recreate the same situations, perhaps with new people, new situations, but only old issues with anger.

Lately, I am realizing how much anger I have within. I am like an angry child trapped in my adult body, unable to let go, seeking forgiveness and seeking someone to forgive, seeking acceptance and seeking someone to blame. Behind my smile and my laughter there are days when I hear my 5-year-old self shouting at the top of her voice. Where are you? How do I pacify you, child? How do I calm you down? How do I tell you, it's OK, we can both grow up now? How do I assure you it's safe to grow up now?

How many time have I felt like an oddball? How many times have I failed? How many times have I not believed in myself? A lot of times? Perhaps 90% of my waking hours I've felt like an oddball, an outsider, a failure.

I was watching a video at youtube last night about finding your passion and believing in yourself. I realized that all this time I haven't given myself the chance to win simply because I've let all those negative thoughts be my identity. I realized, as I counted my blessings last night, God has equipped me so much to win--if only I can start to believe I am able because God has made me able.

Whatever happened to my past, all I can do now is to forgive and believe that my past is not my identity. Those who labeled me as a failure, an oddball, those who said I cannot make it. Those who made me feel small--they did it not because I was all those things they made of me BUT simply because those were their OWN ISSUES in life.

BUT those beliefs are simply not mine to identify with anymore. NOT ANYMORE.

NOT ANYMORE. NOT ANYMORE. NOT ANYMORE.

Believe in yourself and in your plan; Say not - I cannot - but, I can. The prizes of life we fail to win. Because we doubt the power within--Anonymous

I cannot stay angry when I am so blest. I am not an oddball because I'm so blest to be an oddball. If God has pardoned me 1 million times, who am I to hold on to my anger? Who am I to blame someone who's also trying to live his or her life the best way he/she knows how? I am not a victim of these people. I am not a passive participant of life. I CAN CHOOSE what to believe about myself. I can ACTIVELY seek what to make of these situations.

It is only by accepting what was that I can move forward to what can be. It's only by releasing myself from the chains of blame, that I can continue moving forward freely. Everything has a reason. Accept. Forgive. Learn. Think of every obstacle, every hurt as one step closer to my best life if I can learn the lesson each situation has for me. I am, after all, a work in progress.

I cannot dwell in the past because my best life is waiting for me.

I am so blest---

Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version) 11 For I know the
plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not
to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.-

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I was feeling kinda down lately with regards to my work. I had these what-ifs and a lot of If-I-had-only on my mind. I got so used doing easy work and the good pay, and then one day, it's gone. The word is nakakatulala. There was this pervading feeling of uncertainty, of fear. In the midst of this sadness, I was eating a lot and sleeping more and in my waking hours perhaps in near stupor =(. I was assessing my skills and all I could think of was there was nothing special about me. I focused on the things I could not do. All the thoughts of my past failure came flooding back. I stopped going to the gym. I stopped communicating with others saved for the very, very few I'm not afraid to show myself unmasked. It seemed like everything was slipping away.

The other day I tried to organize my things, my bookshelf, my work desk. I felt I could get a small boost of a new start if I'd see these things in order. Then there was this book someone gave me -- 31 Lives. Stories. Miracles---I opened it random. I was led to a story about someone scared of his future after living the good life and losing it all--and there was the above passage. At that point, I cried. One thing I forgot was to offer my pain. I forgot HE will not forsake me. I forgot that HE has plans for me. Despite my pain, despite my woes...HE has plans for me. I am not alone. I should not be scared.

Call it divine stirring...but I think it's how how the HIGHER POWER works.

With a cleaner desk and set-up for work, my mind seemed clearer. The other night someone told me I could write. She is a write and said I should trust her because she should know. That felt good. I also counted my skills. The fact is, I have so many talents which I could develop. I can cook, I know transcriptions, my English is not that good but is not that bad either, I can sketch, I can paint...RAW talents which I can improve. I did not see I have so many good things going on my life. I focused on what is lacking that is why I cannot appreciate what I have but I am so blest...with friends, my family ain't perfect but my sisters are the best, my mother despite of the things she has done has kept my head above water for a lot of times.

I forgot to be thankful...

I cannot be scared when I am so blest.

What is the ugliest thing that could happen to me if I try to push? Fail? Get rejected? A few steps back? Not get it?

Well, maybe.

BUT there is HOPE. A promise of a future awaits as long as I do not give up---I cannot be scared. Not now when I understand that I am so blest.

If You Did Not Love Me

If You Didn't Love Me by Corrinne May

If every drop of water disappeared from the land
And every drop of ocean certainly turn to sand
That will all be nothing compared to what I'd feel
If you didn't love me

What if I woke up and couldn't hear a sound?
And all that I could see was darkness all around?
That would still be nothing compared to what I'd feel
If you didn't love me

If I could have the world and all that money could buy
And I can travel far beyond the moon and the sky
If they gave me golden wings, well I still couldn't fly
Without you, nothing would matters

You and I walk beside each other day after day
But there's so much inside me I never get to say
My life would be so empty with nothing left to feel
If you didn't love me
Oh. If you didn't love me.
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I realized now it does not matter much who hurt whom, who started hurting whom, or who got hurt the most. The only lesson we ought to learn from this is nobody won. We both got wounded. We're both moving on scarred from all of this. Sad. It's time to let go. BUT Looking back, I know we are both in a much better place in our lives because of what was. Thank you for loving me the best way you knew how. If breaking my heart was also part of it all, thank you still. I would not be where I am now if not for all of those things---

Vigan, Ilocos Sur

Travel: Feb 2010 (posted on FB)

I've always wanted to see this place. I went to Vigan on impulse. Overpacked 3 bags, no itinerary planned. I did not tell anyone where I was going until I reached Vigan fearing I'd chicken out. All I knew was that I wanted to know I could do the trip alone. "Alone" had become such an anxiety-producing thought for me. After everything that happened the past year, I wanted to know I can embrace my being alone and be happy too. I realized there is no true togetherness that can be celebrated without knowing how to celebrate being ALONE. I had fun walking around taking pictures of the things I'd see along the way, meeting people, talking to strangers, asking some to take pictures of me (hehehe) or I'd even offer to be the photographer for some , the cobblestone streets, looking for places to eat in alleys. I even visited the market. I had fun being able to walk butt naked in my room, trying my make-up on, smiling like crazy on the mirror. In between work (yeah I brought work along) I would chat with the staff of the hotel I was in or I would hie off to a nearby must-see place. I did a lot of waiting for sunrise to play with the rays on the window sill of my room and the sunset visiting the cathedral as it is always nice to see it bathed with colors of the sunset.

A not-so-well planned trip sure did burn my pocket but it was worth it.

I restore myself when I'm alone

.--Marilyn Monroe

Tatanda Ka Rin

May natuklasan ako lately. Gusto ko man sabihin sa taong involved ang natuklasan ko, naisip ko manahimik na lang at sarilin na lang ang pagkainis ko sa nalalaman ko. Ang rason--ang taong involved ay wala naman pinaniniwalaan maliban dun sa isa pang taong involved. At kahit na mejo obvious na may "singaw" sa mga bagay-bagay, at alam ko alam nya ito, nanatiling bulag pa din sya. ---Kung sya mismo ayaw buksan ang mata nya at in denial sa nangyayari---anong silbi ng alam ko. Anyway...nagngingitngit ako sa inis---pero alam ko na ang bawat "bisyo" ay may kabayarang katapat.

Malihim ako ano...well.

Mas lalong bumaba ang pagtingin ko sa mga taong minsan sa buhay nila ay piniling maging selfish sa mga taong kailangan nilang protektahan at pahalagahan. Kasama rito ang mga taong tamalikod sa responsibilidad, walang kaabog-abog nang-iwan sa ere, nanlait sa mga taong sinaktan na nga nila, nanloko, umapak sa karapatan ng iba. Kasama dito ang nag two-time or many-timer, nangaliwa, iniwan ang anak, asawa, o pamilya. Kasama dito ang kabit, mistress, mapagpanggap na asawa or girlfriend. Kasama dito ang mga taong feeling na may karapatan silang manakit at magpahirap ng ibang tao.

Hindi ako malinis. Bunga din ako ng ilan sa pagkakasalang ito. At kahit mahal ko ang magulang ko, HINDI pa rin ako sang-ayon sa ginawa nila. At minsan alam ko rin pinagmumulan din ako ng mga "selfish" na gawaing ito. At bonggang-bongang biktima rin ako ng ilang gawaing ito.

OO may rason ang lahat ng bagay. Minsan siguro ay nakatakdang mangyari ang mga bagay na ito para umusbong sa mundo ang ilan at para naman tumibay ang iba sa mga hamon na dinudulot sa knaila ng mga gawaing ito.

Life is fair ika nga, aanihin mo naman ang tinanim mo e. Kung bugok ang itinanim mo, yun din naman ang aanihin mo. At yan ang nakikita ko ngayon sa ilang tao sa paligid ko na nagtanim ng bugok sa kanilang kabtaan--yung pnahon na pakiramdam nila ay hawak nila ang mundo sa kanilang kamay at lahat ng bagay ay kaya nilang malusutan.

Pero ngayon sa katandaan nila, nakikita ko ang bunga ng mga gawaing ito. Kadalasan sa dapit-hapon na panahon ng buhay nila, sila'y nagiisa, o may aura ng kahihiyan, may kailangan itago, naghahabol at nanglilimos ng pagmamahal. Ang ilan pa nga ay bumibili na lang ng uri ng pagmamahal na available sa kanila. Ang iba nalululong na lang sa bisyo para makalimot. Ang iba mabubuhay na lang sa pantasya na okay sila kahit nag-iisa---pero ang tutuo--malungkot.


Nakakalungkot diba? Ang realidad ay ang lahat ng itinapon mo ay babalik sa iyo. Kahit hindi mo man harapin ang bagay na yan ngayon, babalik din yan sayo sa iyong katandaan. Malakas ka man ngayon at kaya mong maging selfish, tatanda ka din at aanihin ang lahat ng epekto ng pagiging selfish mo.

Tinitignan kita nung isang araw---naawa ako sa'yo. Kung dati takot ako sa iyo at feeling ko ang lakas-lakas ng luob mo para gawin ang bagay na yun na sobrang naapektuhan ang buhay ko, ngayon ang nakikita ko lang ay isang taong talunan. Hindi na ako takot sa iyo. Sorry.

Life is fair, lahat ng iniyak ko dahil sa naging kabaluktutan nyo at inaani nyo na ngayon.

Surprise! Surprise!

Life has its way of surprising us indeed. There I was having quite a bad day, slept late the previous night, woke up late the next morning, felt sluggish, a broken headset in the midst of lotsa work. I was feeling blah.

I went to the mall to get my headset and get some stuffs in the supermarket. Going through the afternoon hurried but feeling aimless felt really bad and boring. Then I saw the PCSO kiosk. I just thought of buying 1 card. It had been ages since I bought 1. I opted to get the P50 card. It was sad not to win anything from that, so I thought of buying 2 P20 cards. I chose the Money Tree. It was a scratch and match game, match 2 and you win something but match 3 similar objects and u get a bigger prize. I was smiling when I saw 2 owls already. But as I scratched the 3rd line, another owl showed up. Yoohoo p1000!!! Not bad indeed. I know it's life's way of reminding me I have things to be thankful for. I could not help but smile because that was an easy p1000 bucks just when I was feeling so in the dumps.

Life indeed has a way of telling u that it has not forgotten you even if at times, you have forgotten to be thankful u are alive. Thanks Bro.

Cyber Sorry Me

Nung Sabado, nagaway na naman kami ng sarili ko kasi nagalit ako dahil siya ay confused. Confused siya dahil lumaki na naman ang kanyang ego at acutely ay naghanap na naman ng fan at dun nakakita sa cyberspace. Ang masaklap dun, nabuhay siya sa cyberspace ng ilang araw at naniwalang nagmamahal siya. Buti na lang may mga kaibigan kami na pinatutuhana na yung kausap nya na si Mr. Charming ay si Mr. Fake din. At dahil tanga na naman ang sarili ko ng bonggang bongga pinarusahan ko siya. Pinakain ko sya ng todo-todo hanggang maging butirit ang tyan nya at sumakit. Naisip ko maybe yun ang manifestation ng pain ng ego ko. Tatlong shawarm na large, kanin at pinirito, pizza, soda...sige pa lamon pa. Parusa pa. Mamaya tuloy isusumbong na naman ako ng timbangan sa trainer ko sa gym at ilang araw magsusunog ng taba.

Anong bang napala ko sa lahat ng ito? I always feel bad when I cannot think through. Especially when I feel, madali lang ang sitwasyon at ako lang ang makulit na nagpapahirap dito. Oo nasaktan ako. OO iniyakan ko ito. At oo naalala ko yung ex ko na si Mr. Charming din a.k.a. Mr. Big Personality. Siguro kasi naalala ko ang past ko sa sitwasyong ito at nakakalungkot isipin na parang di naman ako natuto. Pero sa isang banda, maybe it's another way of reminding me na I still have much to do. My painful past relationship was what helped me start all these good changes in my life and andito ako ulit sa humming bird phase, stopping and smelling the flowers. So now yung iniyakan ko reminded me so much to kick my ass again and work hard. Hindi pa tapos ang misyon kong ayusin ang buhay ko.

Natutuhan ko din na ang tutuong pagmamahal ay nasa tutuong buhay. Inuuto ko lang ang sarili ko sa pagsali sa dating sites at pagpasok sa chatroom. Real love with real people happens in real life, not in that 4-cornered window. Sa chat you can go as far as HOPING for a friend, pero pag wala, move on, enjoy life. Live what is real and live in reality. Natutuhan ko din that chatworld is as real as one would like it to be. You might be projecting 60% of your truth, BUT what about the other one who migh be projecting only 8% of his truth? That is when you are in for a game. So I deleted my accounts na at mabubuhay kasama ang sarili ko sa NOW.

Pero thank God pa din hindi ko sya nameet or else I would have invested more than I should have.

Yes tanga ako minsan. Minsan sobrang tanga. Madali akong magtiwala. Madali akong mauto minsan. Pero okay I learned a lesson with this. So ngayon I have reconciled with myself. Gym ulit para sunigin ang taba galing sa shawarma, et al. This has given me the chance to get back on track with zest.

"anyone with a shattered heart can win the prize of a happier life, a better elationship next time around---BUT only in making use of the mess right in fron t of you. You have to think about it. Feel it. Mourn it. Miss him. Resent him and wish you could tell him the funny things you saw that only he would understand because it reminds you of a market stall in Oaxaca from your honeymoon. And if you do all that, really breathe he soror and let the sadness frame each beat of your heart, you'll only be able to let it go, YOU'LL FIND YOURSELF ARRIVING AT A NEW PLACE, IN WHICH YOU KNOW MORE CLEARLY WHAT YOU WANT AND NEED AND WHAT YOU HAVE TO OFFER."--Lise Funderburg (Oprah book)

Libag

Last time I went out with a friend to watch a movie sa SM Bacoor. Natapos kami late na. Well, i was half shit scared riding jeeps at night (oo wala naman akong car no...so I cannot choose otherwise). So may jeep na pinara ko. Kaya lang may mamang bumalandra at di na gumalaw sa dapat na dadaanan ko papasok ng jeep. Ito yung panahong masakit ang paa ko. To make it short, natapakang ko ang mamang tuod ng bonggang-bongga at sabi nya sa akin

mamang impakto: "Ang taba mo kasi e."
ako: "Sorry ha pero same to you."

Yung butch na nasa unahan ko ang nagalit para sa akin. At sinigawan nya ang mama ng "bastos ka ha."

So sa luob ng jeep galit pa rin ang butch at GF nya sa mamang impakto. Sabi ko "dibale libagin naman sya...hayaan mo na."

Ang mama libagin naman e, butirit ang tyan, at ang paa parang hindi nakaranas ng nailcutter ng sampung 10 taon. Ang lakas manlait e parang di naman sya nakaranas maligo ng 1 linggo. Lesson: wag patulan ang mapanlait na libaging mamang impakto...hhaha (di naman ako mapangalipusta ano?)

Babayu

Nung nagising ako, naisip ko ito. So it ang naging shoutout ko sa FB page ko. Crazy. Yeah crazy. Kaya lang naisip ko now I am able to put things in a better pespective, it would be easier to find acceptance and move on. Anyways, here goes.

You have served your purpose in my life. You were enough when I first needed you. You filled the role I needed you to play in my life. I will never admit it but I will always be grateful for the lessons your role in my life imparted to me, though I learned much in a harder and more painful way. New roles are open now and my needs are greater than your capacity to fill them. So goodbye. Good luck. I, too, filled a role uniquely in your life. We all just do.

Tama naman diba. You filled a role uniquely in my life. Sana may natutuhan ka. Anyways. I wish you well but I wish myself better now =)