IT WAS SCREAMING ITS LONELINESS TO ME

I went house hunting with J&J yesterday. The owner of the house they were renting has decided to sell the house, so they really need to move out.

At the other end of our street, there was a house for rent, so I brought them there. The moment I stood in front of the house and touched the gate, I dunno, but I felt so sad. It felt like I was time-warped somewhere and for a moment it was only me and that house and everything around it seemed blurred. Every step I took away from that house felt heavy. I have been in a few houses that felt like that. No matter how big, airy, or beautiful it usually is,it would feel stuffy and sad. It would always be like the walls are screaming its loneliness to me.

I have read somewhere that we leave psychic imprints in places we go to. Our energies are like thumb marks we leave on walls and stuffs around the place. They are, perhaps, our silent audience, watching what we do, sensing how we feel at any particular moment, hearing what we say, reading our thoughts while we are around them in these places.

We must have looked at 3 different houses but some conditions we're not met, so the search is back to zero once more.

There is one thing I learned from them, allowing other people into your house makes it feel like home. Especially if laughter is doubled, pretense is kept at bay, smug is thrown outside, and false pride is snipped. J&J's rented house feels that way.


As I was walking home last night after a dinner of barbecue and rice in their living room, I realized that allowing people in is like taking off another mask and showing them who you really are. You are at your vulnerable state. They can mock your living conditions if it is not at par with how they live. But this usually happens with pretentious people who would need to compare themselves with you to be able to say they are far more better than you in a lot of ways.

I have learned a lot from this couple. They have the money, they can pay a down for a really nice house, but J always reminds me to aim higher. I have never heard J boast of what her family does for a living. She has never made us feel we should bow down low to some of her family members who have done great in their lives. We both have experienced this with __ and we often talked about it. At one time, I pressed J to tell me her story...Her sister is a pediatrician in NY and her dad and mom belong to the old and rich of this region, chains of apartments and lots of properties. But she has lived simply. She made her first half million from 5K -- from their (J&J) combined school allowance. At present, she earns far more better than some executives from the city. She has a budget every month and adjusts to that and lives within her means. This is not to say they scrimp on stuffs. She gets the best according to their needs. She aims higher on what she gets but she adjusts to her budget. She could choose to ride a car and show off but you would see her haggling in the market to get the best produce at a good price and riding the trike. She only splurges on things she really needs and a little bit on wants--like an 8K concert ticket of her favorite band in the world when they performed in manila and her collection of original CDs w/c is more than 100, but other than that if she wants something more, it is calculated, the risks discussed, and a joint decision is made.

I think that's what self-confidence really is. Real confidence does not scream. It does not explain or find the need to justify its actions to people who do not matter. It chooses its battles. It does not strike back but it strikes back ONLY when necessary. It is able to let go of wants but is able to acknowledge needs. It is able to let go of dead things and useless stuffs. It does not wallow in misery or find the need to lead others out of their misery. It only inspires others to get out of their miserable state without the need to control the other. In this context, it will only inspire others when its own life is lived. It does not demand others to conform to how it lives its life. It lets other be. It does not try to find its worth by looking for an audience to feed its ego because its sense of worth is high and intact. It knows it cannot give what it does not have, so it cannot provide direction when in itself its power is not harnessed to a focused goal. It will always aim higher because it will not feed on selfishness or allow others to feed on selfishness toward themselves too. It is able to let go of masks.

When you are drowned in the opinions of others on how to live your life and you cannot hear your voice within, as my sister always reminds me----only listen to someone whose life is working. Because while some may tell you they are having the grandest times in their lives, it could also be they're screaming their loneliness to you. Positive people attract positive people and misery loves company and there are control freaks in between?

Okay thank you, Ate M, for reminding me.

HAPPY NEW YEAR LEI

Well ...nuninunu...happy new year to you. Cheer up...it will pass...there is so much to be thankful for =)