moving forward

How do you reconcile moving on and holding on to your anger? The answer is simply you can't. You can't be angry and expect you can move on forward. You will only go back, again and again, recreate the same situations, perhaps with new people, new situations, but only old issues with anger.

Lately, I am realizing how much anger I have within. I am like an angry child trapped in my adult body, unable to let go, seeking forgiveness and seeking someone to forgive, seeking acceptance and seeking someone to blame. Behind my smile and my laughter there are days when I hear my 5-year-old self shouting at the top of her voice. Where are you? How do I pacify you, child? How do I calm you down? How do I tell you, it's OK, we can both grow up now? How do I assure you it's safe to grow up now?

How many time have I felt like an oddball? How many times have I failed? How many times have I not believed in myself? A lot of times? Perhaps 90% of my waking hours I've felt like an oddball, an outsider, a failure.

I was watching a video at youtube last night about finding your passion and believing in yourself. I realized that all this time I haven't given myself the chance to win simply because I've let all those negative thoughts be my identity. I realized, as I counted my blessings last night, God has equipped me so much to win--if only I can start to believe I am able because God has made me able.

Whatever happened to my past, all I can do now is to forgive and believe that my past is not my identity. Those who labeled me as a failure, an oddball, those who said I cannot make it. Those who made me feel small--they did it not because I was all those things they made of me BUT simply because those were their OWN ISSUES in life.

BUT those beliefs are simply not mine to identify with anymore. NOT ANYMORE.

NOT ANYMORE. NOT ANYMORE. NOT ANYMORE.

Believe in yourself and in your plan; Say not - I cannot - but, I can. The prizes of life we fail to win. Because we doubt the power within--Anonymous

I cannot stay angry when I am so blest. I am not an oddball because I'm so blest to be an oddball. If God has pardoned me 1 million times, who am I to hold on to my anger? Who am I to blame someone who's also trying to live his or her life the best way he/she knows how? I am not a victim of these people. I am not a passive participant of life. I CAN CHOOSE what to believe about myself. I can ACTIVELY seek what to make of these situations.

It is only by accepting what was that I can move forward to what can be. It's only by releasing myself from the chains of blame, that I can continue moving forward freely. Everything has a reason. Accept. Forgive. Learn. Think of every obstacle, every hurt as one step closer to my best life if I can learn the lesson each situation has for me. I am, after all, a work in progress.

I cannot dwell in the past because my best life is waiting for me.

I am so blest---

Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version) 11 For I know the
plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not
to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.-

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I was feeling kinda down lately with regards to my work. I had these what-ifs and a lot of If-I-had-only on my mind. I got so used doing easy work and the good pay, and then one day, it's gone. The word is nakakatulala. There was this pervading feeling of uncertainty, of fear. In the midst of this sadness, I was eating a lot and sleeping more and in my waking hours perhaps in near stupor =(. I was assessing my skills and all I could think of was there was nothing special about me. I focused on the things I could not do. All the thoughts of my past failure came flooding back. I stopped going to the gym. I stopped communicating with others saved for the very, very few I'm not afraid to show myself unmasked. It seemed like everything was slipping away.

The other day I tried to organize my things, my bookshelf, my work desk. I felt I could get a small boost of a new start if I'd see these things in order. Then there was this book someone gave me -- 31 Lives. Stories. Miracles---I opened it random. I was led to a story about someone scared of his future after living the good life and losing it all--and there was the above passage. At that point, I cried. One thing I forgot was to offer my pain. I forgot HE will not forsake me. I forgot that HE has plans for me. Despite my pain, despite my woes...HE has plans for me. I am not alone. I should not be scared.

Call it divine stirring...but I think it's how how the HIGHER POWER works.

With a cleaner desk and set-up for work, my mind seemed clearer. The other night someone told me I could write. She is a write and said I should trust her because she should know. That felt good. I also counted my skills. The fact is, I have so many talents which I could develop. I can cook, I know transcriptions, my English is not that good but is not that bad either, I can sketch, I can paint...RAW talents which I can improve. I did not see I have so many good things going on my life. I focused on what is lacking that is why I cannot appreciate what I have but I am so blest...with friends, my family ain't perfect but my sisters are the best, my mother despite of the things she has done has kept my head above water for a lot of times.

I forgot to be thankful...

I cannot be scared when I am so blest.

What is the ugliest thing that could happen to me if I try to push? Fail? Get rejected? A few steps back? Not get it?

Well, maybe.

BUT there is HOPE. A promise of a future awaits as long as I do not give up---I cannot be scared. Not now when I understand that I am so blest.

If You Did Not Love Me

If You Didn't Love Me by Corrinne May

If every drop of water disappeared from the land
And every drop of ocean certainly turn to sand
That will all be nothing compared to what I'd feel
If you didn't love me

What if I woke up and couldn't hear a sound?
And all that I could see was darkness all around?
That would still be nothing compared to what I'd feel
If you didn't love me

If I could have the world and all that money could buy
And I can travel far beyond the moon and the sky
If they gave me golden wings, well I still couldn't fly
Without you, nothing would matters

You and I walk beside each other day after day
But there's so much inside me I never get to say
My life would be so empty with nothing left to feel
If you didn't love me
Oh. If you didn't love me.
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I realized now it does not matter much who hurt whom, who started hurting whom, or who got hurt the most. The only lesson we ought to learn from this is nobody won. We both got wounded. We're both moving on scarred from all of this. Sad. It's time to let go. BUT Looking back, I know we are both in a much better place in our lives because of what was. Thank you for loving me the best way you knew how. If breaking my heart was also part of it all, thank you still. I would not be where I am now if not for all of those things---

Vigan, Ilocos Sur

Travel: Feb 2010 (posted on FB)

I've always wanted to see this place. I went to Vigan on impulse. Overpacked 3 bags, no itinerary planned. I did not tell anyone where I was going until I reached Vigan fearing I'd chicken out. All I knew was that I wanted to know I could do the trip alone. "Alone" had become such an anxiety-producing thought for me. After everything that happened the past year, I wanted to know I can embrace my being alone and be happy too. I realized there is no true togetherness that can be celebrated without knowing how to celebrate being ALONE. I had fun walking around taking pictures of the things I'd see along the way, meeting people, talking to strangers, asking some to take pictures of me (hehehe) or I'd even offer to be the photographer for some , the cobblestone streets, looking for places to eat in alleys. I even visited the market. I had fun being able to walk butt naked in my room, trying my make-up on, smiling like crazy on the mirror. In between work (yeah I brought work along) I would chat with the staff of the hotel I was in or I would hie off to a nearby must-see place. I did a lot of waiting for sunrise to play with the rays on the window sill of my room and the sunset visiting the cathedral as it is always nice to see it bathed with colors of the sunset.

A not-so-well planned trip sure did burn my pocket but it was worth it.

I restore myself when I'm alone

.--Marilyn Monroe