Oh the weather outside is frightful, But the fire is so delightful, And since we've no place to go, Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow! ...craps there is no snow here. But I got to walk under the clear moonlight today, alone, tipsy with my hands in my pocket. Great night with the lamp posts casting my shadow in front of me as I walked on. That was on great vodka night. Sometimes it makes me wish that I could command that buzz to linger when I have a lot of things in my mind. But heck I have to ingest 56 calories/shot of vodka, one too many, to get that buzz. Happy hour is just too great to resist sometimes.
I passed by Minute Burger on my way home for Chicken Time. Cheap but another great shot that will probably clog my arteries. sucker. While I waited for the burgers to cook, the speakers were blaring with the "Papa Jack" segment on the radio. Craps. A lady called and she was holding on to a man who cheater on her and somehow chose his present fling than her. Craps. Glorious craps. In the middle of that buzz in my head from too much vodka, I remembered I used to be in the same crappy boat. I used to believe there was hope. I used to believe that if Id twist myself enough, he'd come back and it would be swell. Like that effing lady, I used to ask, was it all that easy to forget? I used to think no, he couldn't possibly just throw it all away that fast and that easy--all of 13 years. But he did.
Listening to that lady made my insides scream like hell. STUUUUUUPID!!!!!!!!!!! I wanted to tell her her life is not fuckin' shit all about him. Maybe he loved her, but not enough to stay with her. ENOUGH is the word here. NOT ENOUGH. His love is not enough to fight the odds and stay with you. STupid. But I knew I was in that boat too sometime ago. I couldn't even grasp that point in the past. BUT thank GOD I can see that now.
I had been thinking of this thing for sometime too. It bothers me that my mom would even believe he and I would get back together. Duh? I wanted to tell her, would it have to take a good beating with me ending black and blue for you to get the message that this person was mean to me at some point? I mean I could understand about forgiveness. But should someone like that person be my default just because no one is lined up? Pathetic. An affair is not even simple itself, what more for something more crazy than that? I wonder if they understand that or maybe it's because they have "settled" for what they have at the present time because they are just too scared to be alone and to struggle in that aloneness. But at this point in my life I would rather be alone than be sick with someone else. This man has some wingding-y thing going on and i cant, in any way, solve that. He needs a therapist for that. It made me wonder is that all you can tell your child? About some great love-conquers-all-shit story? Oh just wow.
Anyway, Mama J and I were talking earlier today about after all the pain you've felt lifting those dumbells, you just know you're not going to go back anymore or let small victories just slip you away and go back to your old pathetic self. I have never had a looooong year. 2010 has been a loong year. I have grown in a lot of ways and I sometimes seem to see the past so far away when it was just last year.
DJ Papa Jack was right when he said "it was just not enough."
