Craps Not Again?

Groan! Not again! Craps!

I had been in something like this in the past. One minute I'm flying so high, giggly and giddy and the next thing I know I'm experiencing this sinking feeling again. The good news it, it's not of the quick-sand type anymore. It's like I'm falling through the rain forest (well perhaps)where countless trees or shrubs are breaking my fall one time or another...cuts..ouch..bruises...ouch. Oh God let me rest on the soft moss or a shallow ditch at the end.

It was a good 1 month anyway. It made me smile. It made me feel I mattered. It made me feel I was visible again well to someone in another way. At least someone heard my stories or the crap parts of it and thought of them cute. The difference is this has made me aware of my insecurities. That part w/c tells me I still have A LOT to work on BEFORE I should even be in something like this. That part w/c tells me I should be WHOLE before I even become half of this. That part w/c tells me I will walk beside someone in this, not cling and not ask that someone to carry me. That part in w/c I say first I matter that's why I'm choosing to be with you. THat part w/c says whether you see me or not, it does not matter but what matters is I am visible in my world. That part w/c tells me I'm not gonna put you on a pedestal in my life. That part w/c says whether there is someone or not beside me, I'm alive and it's okay.

I realized that when I entered relationships, I was always looking through the spectacles of FOREVER. While, of course, you don't just choose crap to be with anyone, the point is each and every relationship will teach you something. I realized I was shopping for a husband instead of a BF. I was fretting on things that weren't screaming of FOREVER. I would grip on things that were. I was forgetting to enjoy the now because I was so busy thinking of the white picket fences, the morning after forever, that veil, the flowers, the champagne, the pitter-patter of feet around the future house...darn..yeah I know I'm crazy. I realized I was investing too much to soon. I was not even allowing the relationship unfold and show me its substance before I build those castles in the air.

Oh well, TELL me THIS IS THE TIME TO LEARN. TELL ME this is the time I must have faith that whatever happens, my world will not fall apart. This is the time I believe that God is the pilot and I'm co-pilot. This is the part where I believe that however I grip on things, if it's not meant for me, it will die a natural death. This is where I believe that saying NEXT means the next one will teach me that w/c I haven't learned YET. That every time I'd say NOT AGAIN---it only means I haven't learned that w/c I'm supposed to learn that's why I'm in a similar situation again. This is the part I work on myself, my dreams, my aspirations and when the time is right, more gifts will come my way and who knows, it might hold that someone who's meant to walk beside me. And if he doesn't come I should be thankful I lived and loved.

To you, thank you for the time. But from here on, I'm learning to play the game and I'll only get better at it. Good Luck!