Flashbacks

He wrote again. But I held my ground. I just thought that there is no point answering back or even telling him oh boy what a jerk you are. I broke down at one point and cried in the john. But hey we all learn a thing or two from all we meet in life and for making me smile at one point...thank you.

I was thinking about tonight, maybe some things happen for us to redeem ourselves of some sorts. Master the lessons. Somehow it felt I was going through the past again--the major one with T where I begged, pleaded, and was desperate. But this time, in a smaller scale, I held back, I stood my ground, and before thinking of how he'd fare through it, I asked myself first. I hugged myself first not because of pity but because I was putting myself first. Somehow it felt good. I wanted to say HIS LOSS. But then again, it's more apt to say, it's just not meant to be.

In the afternoon I rushed to Mama J. She was having one of her damn attacks that made me fly from my place to her (well in a tricycle of course =). I was so scared because I knew nothing about administering IM's and she needed one fast. I was praying all the way. And there she was slumped in one corner with her hands so cold, crying and in so much pain. I cried and held her. She said Papa J was coming home to inject the med. I just held her. For a time, I realized the time I held back from allowing some people in my life but then and there I knew I she's in. I felt relieved when Papa J got in and gave her the med. They thanked me but honestly I'm thankful for that made me feel alive. It made me snap out from the sadness I was feeling in the morning. I realized I am not bad at all and I am capable of caring and loving. When I was almost doubting myself, it made me see I have a lot to give that is so uniquely from me alone.

While she calmed down, we watched Sassy Girl. I remembered how I was then. I missed my spunk. I realized I had given most of my power away. I used to be so independent and then I started begging for love, for recognition, for acceptance from all the wrong people. I sold myself so low that I started looking down. That was a real eyeopener.

All in all what a blessed day!