moving forward

How do you reconcile moving on and holding on to your anger? The answer is simply you can't. You can't be angry and expect you can move on forward. You will only go back, again and again, recreate the same situations, perhaps with new people, new situations, but only old issues with anger.

Lately, I am realizing how much anger I have within. I am like an angry child trapped in my adult body, unable to let go, seeking forgiveness and seeking someone to forgive, seeking acceptance and seeking someone to blame. Behind my smile and my laughter there are days when I hear my 5-year-old self shouting at the top of her voice. Where are you? How do I pacify you, child? How do I calm you down? How do I tell you, it's OK, we can both grow up now? How do I assure you it's safe to grow up now?

How many time have I felt like an oddball? How many times have I failed? How many times have I not believed in myself? A lot of times? Perhaps 90% of my waking hours I've felt like an oddball, an outsider, a failure.

I was watching a video at youtube last night about finding your passion and believing in yourself. I realized that all this time I haven't given myself the chance to win simply because I've let all those negative thoughts be my identity. I realized, as I counted my blessings last night, God has equipped me so much to win--if only I can start to believe I am able because God has made me able.

Whatever happened to my past, all I can do now is to forgive and believe that my past is not my identity. Those who labeled me as a failure, an oddball, those who said I cannot make it. Those who made me feel small--they did it not because I was all those things they made of me BUT simply because those were their OWN ISSUES in life.

BUT those beliefs are simply not mine to identify with anymore. NOT ANYMORE.

NOT ANYMORE. NOT ANYMORE. NOT ANYMORE.

Believe in yourself and in your plan; Say not - I cannot - but, I can. The prizes of life we fail to win. Because we doubt the power within--Anonymous

I cannot stay angry when I am so blest. I am not an oddball because I'm so blest to be an oddball. If God has pardoned me 1 million times, who am I to hold on to my anger? Who am I to blame someone who's also trying to live his or her life the best way he/she knows how? I am not a victim of these people. I am not a passive participant of life. I CAN CHOOSE what to believe about myself. I can ACTIVELY seek what to make of these situations.

It is only by accepting what was that I can move forward to what can be. It's only by releasing myself from the chains of blame, that I can continue moving forward freely. Everything has a reason. Accept. Forgive. Learn. Think of every obstacle, every hurt as one step closer to my best life if I can learn the lesson each situation has for me. I am, after all, a work in progress.

I cannot dwell in the past because my best life is waiting for me.

I am so blest---

Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version) 11 For I know the
plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not
to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.-

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I was feeling kinda down lately with regards to my work. I had these what-ifs and a lot of If-I-had-only on my mind. I got so used doing easy work and the good pay, and then one day, it's gone. The word is nakakatulala. There was this pervading feeling of uncertainty, of fear. In the midst of this sadness, I was eating a lot and sleeping more and in my waking hours perhaps in near stupor =(. I was assessing my skills and all I could think of was there was nothing special about me. I focused on the things I could not do. All the thoughts of my past failure came flooding back. I stopped going to the gym. I stopped communicating with others saved for the very, very few I'm not afraid to show myself unmasked. It seemed like everything was slipping away.

The other day I tried to organize my things, my bookshelf, my work desk. I felt I could get a small boost of a new start if I'd see these things in order. Then there was this book someone gave me -- 31 Lives. Stories. Miracles---I opened it random. I was led to a story about someone scared of his future after living the good life and losing it all--and there was the above passage. At that point, I cried. One thing I forgot was to offer my pain. I forgot HE will not forsake me. I forgot that HE has plans for me. Despite my pain, despite my woes...HE has plans for me. I am not alone. I should not be scared.

Call it divine stirring...but I think it's how how the HIGHER POWER works.

With a cleaner desk and set-up for work, my mind seemed clearer. The other night someone told me I could write. She is a write and said I should trust her because she should know. That felt good. I also counted my skills. The fact is, I have so many talents which I could develop. I can cook, I know transcriptions, my English is not that good but is not that bad either, I can sketch, I can paint...RAW talents which I can improve. I did not see I have so many good things going on my life. I focused on what is lacking that is why I cannot appreciate what I have but I am so blest...with friends, my family ain't perfect but my sisters are the best, my mother despite of the things she has done has kept my head above water for a lot of times.

I forgot to be thankful...

I cannot be scared when I am so blest.

What is the ugliest thing that could happen to me if I try to push? Fail? Get rejected? A few steps back? Not get it?

Well, maybe.

BUT there is HOPE. A promise of a future awaits as long as I do not give up---I cannot be scared. Not now when I understand that I am so blest.

If You Did Not Love Me

If You Didn't Love Me by Corrinne May

If every drop of water disappeared from the land
And every drop of ocean certainly turn to sand
That will all be nothing compared to what I'd feel
If you didn't love me

What if I woke up and couldn't hear a sound?
And all that I could see was darkness all around?
That would still be nothing compared to what I'd feel
If you didn't love me

If I could have the world and all that money could buy
And I can travel far beyond the moon and the sky
If they gave me golden wings, well I still couldn't fly
Without you, nothing would matters

You and I walk beside each other day after day
But there's so much inside me I never get to say
My life would be so empty with nothing left to feel
If you didn't love me
Oh. If you didn't love me.
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I realized now it does not matter much who hurt whom, who started hurting whom, or who got hurt the most. The only lesson we ought to learn from this is nobody won. We both got wounded. We're both moving on scarred from all of this. Sad. It's time to let go. BUT Looking back, I know we are both in a much better place in our lives because of what was. Thank you for loving me the best way you knew how. If breaking my heart was also part of it all, thank you still. I would not be where I am now if not for all of those things---

Vigan, Ilocos Sur

Travel: Feb 2010 (posted on FB)

I've always wanted to see this place. I went to Vigan on impulse. Overpacked 3 bags, no itinerary planned. I did not tell anyone where I was going until I reached Vigan fearing I'd chicken out. All I knew was that I wanted to know I could do the trip alone. "Alone" had become such an anxiety-producing thought for me. After everything that happened the past year, I wanted to know I can embrace my being alone and be happy too. I realized there is no true togetherness that can be celebrated without knowing how to celebrate being ALONE. I had fun walking around taking pictures of the things I'd see along the way, meeting people, talking to strangers, asking some to take pictures of me (hehehe) or I'd even offer to be the photographer for some , the cobblestone streets, looking for places to eat in alleys. I even visited the market. I had fun being able to walk butt naked in my room, trying my make-up on, smiling like crazy on the mirror. In between work (yeah I brought work along) I would chat with the staff of the hotel I was in or I would hie off to a nearby must-see place. I did a lot of waiting for sunrise to play with the rays on the window sill of my room and the sunset visiting the cathedral as it is always nice to see it bathed with colors of the sunset.

A not-so-well planned trip sure did burn my pocket but it was worth it.

I restore myself when I'm alone

.--Marilyn Monroe

Tatanda Ka Rin

May natuklasan ako lately. Gusto ko man sabihin sa taong involved ang natuklasan ko, naisip ko manahimik na lang at sarilin na lang ang pagkainis ko sa nalalaman ko. Ang rason--ang taong involved ay wala naman pinaniniwalaan maliban dun sa isa pang taong involved. At kahit na mejo obvious na may "singaw" sa mga bagay-bagay, at alam ko alam nya ito, nanatiling bulag pa din sya. ---Kung sya mismo ayaw buksan ang mata nya at in denial sa nangyayari---anong silbi ng alam ko. Anyway...nagngingitngit ako sa inis---pero alam ko na ang bawat "bisyo" ay may kabayarang katapat.

Malihim ako ano...well.

Mas lalong bumaba ang pagtingin ko sa mga taong minsan sa buhay nila ay piniling maging selfish sa mga taong kailangan nilang protektahan at pahalagahan. Kasama rito ang mga taong tamalikod sa responsibilidad, walang kaabog-abog nang-iwan sa ere, nanlait sa mga taong sinaktan na nga nila, nanloko, umapak sa karapatan ng iba. Kasama dito ang nag two-time or many-timer, nangaliwa, iniwan ang anak, asawa, o pamilya. Kasama dito ang kabit, mistress, mapagpanggap na asawa or girlfriend. Kasama dito ang mga taong feeling na may karapatan silang manakit at magpahirap ng ibang tao.

Hindi ako malinis. Bunga din ako ng ilan sa pagkakasalang ito. At kahit mahal ko ang magulang ko, HINDI pa rin ako sang-ayon sa ginawa nila. At minsan alam ko rin pinagmumulan din ako ng mga "selfish" na gawaing ito. At bonggang-bongang biktima rin ako ng ilang gawaing ito.

OO may rason ang lahat ng bagay. Minsan siguro ay nakatakdang mangyari ang mga bagay na ito para umusbong sa mundo ang ilan at para naman tumibay ang iba sa mga hamon na dinudulot sa knaila ng mga gawaing ito.

Life is fair ika nga, aanihin mo naman ang tinanim mo e. Kung bugok ang itinanim mo, yun din naman ang aanihin mo. At yan ang nakikita ko ngayon sa ilang tao sa paligid ko na nagtanim ng bugok sa kanilang kabtaan--yung pnahon na pakiramdam nila ay hawak nila ang mundo sa kanilang kamay at lahat ng bagay ay kaya nilang malusutan.

Pero ngayon sa katandaan nila, nakikita ko ang bunga ng mga gawaing ito. Kadalasan sa dapit-hapon na panahon ng buhay nila, sila'y nagiisa, o may aura ng kahihiyan, may kailangan itago, naghahabol at nanglilimos ng pagmamahal. Ang ilan pa nga ay bumibili na lang ng uri ng pagmamahal na available sa kanila. Ang iba nalululong na lang sa bisyo para makalimot. Ang iba mabubuhay na lang sa pantasya na okay sila kahit nag-iisa---pero ang tutuo--malungkot.


Nakakalungkot diba? Ang realidad ay ang lahat ng itinapon mo ay babalik sa iyo. Kahit hindi mo man harapin ang bagay na yan ngayon, babalik din yan sayo sa iyong katandaan. Malakas ka man ngayon at kaya mong maging selfish, tatanda ka din at aanihin ang lahat ng epekto ng pagiging selfish mo.

Tinitignan kita nung isang araw---naawa ako sa'yo. Kung dati takot ako sa iyo at feeling ko ang lakas-lakas ng luob mo para gawin ang bagay na yun na sobrang naapektuhan ang buhay ko, ngayon ang nakikita ko lang ay isang taong talunan. Hindi na ako takot sa iyo. Sorry.

Life is fair, lahat ng iniyak ko dahil sa naging kabaluktutan nyo at inaani nyo na ngayon.

Surprise! Surprise!

Life has its way of surprising us indeed. There I was having quite a bad day, slept late the previous night, woke up late the next morning, felt sluggish, a broken headset in the midst of lotsa work. I was feeling blah.

I went to the mall to get my headset and get some stuffs in the supermarket. Going through the afternoon hurried but feeling aimless felt really bad and boring. Then I saw the PCSO kiosk. I just thought of buying 1 card. It had been ages since I bought 1. I opted to get the P50 card. It was sad not to win anything from that, so I thought of buying 2 P20 cards. I chose the Money Tree. It was a scratch and match game, match 2 and you win something but match 3 similar objects and u get a bigger prize. I was smiling when I saw 2 owls already. But as I scratched the 3rd line, another owl showed up. Yoohoo p1000!!! Not bad indeed. I know it's life's way of reminding me I have things to be thankful for. I could not help but smile because that was an easy p1000 bucks just when I was feeling so in the dumps.

Life indeed has a way of telling u that it has not forgotten you even if at times, you have forgotten to be thankful u are alive. Thanks Bro.

Cyber Sorry Me

Nung Sabado, nagaway na naman kami ng sarili ko kasi nagalit ako dahil siya ay confused. Confused siya dahil lumaki na naman ang kanyang ego at acutely ay naghanap na naman ng fan at dun nakakita sa cyberspace. Ang masaklap dun, nabuhay siya sa cyberspace ng ilang araw at naniwalang nagmamahal siya. Buti na lang may mga kaibigan kami na pinatutuhana na yung kausap nya na si Mr. Charming ay si Mr. Fake din. At dahil tanga na naman ang sarili ko ng bonggang bongga pinarusahan ko siya. Pinakain ko sya ng todo-todo hanggang maging butirit ang tyan nya at sumakit. Naisip ko maybe yun ang manifestation ng pain ng ego ko. Tatlong shawarm na large, kanin at pinirito, pizza, soda...sige pa lamon pa. Parusa pa. Mamaya tuloy isusumbong na naman ako ng timbangan sa trainer ko sa gym at ilang araw magsusunog ng taba.

Anong bang napala ko sa lahat ng ito? I always feel bad when I cannot think through. Especially when I feel, madali lang ang sitwasyon at ako lang ang makulit na nagpapahirap dito. Oo nasaktan ako. OO iniyakan ko ito. At oo naalala ko yung ex ko na si Mr. Charming din a.k.a. Mr. Big Personality. Siguro kasi naalala ko ang past ko sa sitwasyong ito at nakakalungkot isipin na parang di naman ako natuto. Pero sa isang banda, maybe it's another way of reminding me na I still have much to do. My painful past relationship was what helped me start all these good changes in my life and andito ako ulit sa humming bird phase, stopping and smelling the flowers. So now yung iniyakan ko reminded me so much to kick my ass again and work hard. Hindi pa tapos ang misyon kong ayusin ang buhay ko.

Natutuhan ko din na ang tutuong pagmamahal ay nasa tutuong buhay. Inuuto ko lang ang sarili ko sa pagsali sa dating sites at pagpasok sa chatroom. Real love with real people happens in real life, not in that 4-cornered window. Sa chat you can go as far as HOPING for a friend, pero pag wala, move on, enjoy life. Live what is real and live in reality. Natutuhan ko din that chatworld is as real as one would like it to be. You might be projecting 60% of your truth, BUT what about the other one who migh be projecting only 8% of his truth? That is when you are in for a game. So I deleted my accounts na at mabubuhay kasama ang sarili ko sa NOW.

Pero thank God pa din hindi ko sya nameet or else I would have invested more than I should have.

Yes tanga ako minsan. Minsan sobrang tanga. Madali akong magtiwala. Madali akong mauto minsan. Pero okay I learned a lesson with this. So ngayon I have reconciled with myself. Gym ulit para sunigin ang taba galing sa shawarma, et al. This has given me the chance to get back on track with zest.

"anyone with a shattered heart can win the prize of a happier life, a better elationship next time around---BUT only in making use of the mess right in fron t of you. You have to think about it. Feel it. Mourn it. Miss him. Resent him and wish you could tell him the funny things you saw that only he would understand because it reminds you of a market stall in Oaxaca from your honeymoon. And if you do all that, really breathe he soror and let the sadness frame each beat of your heart, you'll only be able to let it go, YOU'LL FIND YOURSELF ARRIVING AT A NEW PLACE, IN WHICH YOU KNOW MORE CLEARLY WHAT YOU WANT AND NEED AND WHAT YOU HAVE TO OFFER."--Lise Funderburg (Oprah book)